You lost the war...

I heard of your escape from this world a week or so in the past.
You have been someone so gentle, so understanding, some one
I am sad to know will not be shining on the planes of this
reality anymore.

You have lost your personal war against the Neoplasm.
Now you are a Crane flying in the sky, your call to the
living is heard when we look into the the lonely blue
sky.

One day I will die too and join you in that Flock
of Cranes.

......

I dreamt about you last night.

It was strange seeing your face. Even if it wasn't real. To me it was real though. I dreamed about how it may have been had we not fallen out. It was a world where you and I were together. If it were reality I'd pinch myself. In reality had I pinched myself I'd have awoken, bitter and cold.

Sadly I did awaken, Bitter and cold. To a world where last I had even a glimpse of you had been nary a year ago. They say time heals. If this is true why do my wounds feel deeper the more that time passes?

To go back

I want to go backwards...
I want to retrace..Restart..
Back to that secret garden,
the one we are only allowed in as children,
Where the colors are brighter,
The sunshine much warmer,
And the Rain is much more refreshing.
I wish that I could go back..
куда уходит детство?

Always Smiling

Today I see things that remind me of you. Even this cool morning reminds of the pleasant walks we took when we weren't supposed. I remember you teaching me something in the language we both speak. It was a way of addressing someone you respect.. usually someone older.

Your probably the last person that I'll reconnect if I ever stumble out of this. Probably because you're the person I'm most afraid to talk to. The one who's rejection I fear the most. I can't believes it's been so long since I've seen your sweet Smiling face. The trees remind of your dark brown eyes and flowing hair. When you would sometimes look at me resentfully till I would ask why and you'd just laugh and say you want to see what would happen.

I Remember the chocolate we would share it was the sweetest chocolate I had ever had. Now chocolate only seems bitter without you.

I write this blog to remember the things I mean to forget. To release the memories I find too painful to live with inside. I also write this blog to keep part of my conscious  self here in the Tangible world when I ascend to the ethereal one.

When I die I hope that it be at a point in my life were I will not know anyone enough to cause grief.. I don't see my future ridden with love but if it does have any essence of it I don't want to leave it behind to grieve but instead leave here to be greeted by it.

Though if things turn out differently then those who do care about me can look back to this if they need closure or comfort. I would want those people to know that I'm not really gone and that they should not linger on the thought of me but instead move on and find new lives to be touched by or be a light in that persons life.

Enough about Yin, Lets talk about Yang.. Life, For there could be no death without life and vice versa, or at least a good life (overpopulation would make life unbearable.)

My life now is one probably best described an an older person's life with no one left but the unknown world. loneliness is sometimes stifling but I have things to occupy me away from the dark emptiness. This for example..or maybe this is a reminder, if I still had the Life I had left behind I probably would never had considered needing these bits on you're computer screen that comprised together to make words that like sweet honey make my life better and yet keep me stuck together and trapped like a Cocoon that will stay dormant forever. 

I guess I shall Leave you on that Melancholy note.